Kalau dapat rangkum segala rasa
Aku tak pasti dapat menggambarkannya
Segalanya terlalu rawak
Dan aku tak lagi pasti dengan sebenar-benar rasa
Semuanya bergaul tidak mesra
Aneh dan tak betah
Perlahan-lahan pasti aku loloskan diri
Agar semua kembali jatuh di tempat sepatutnya
Aku sudah penat dengan kamu
Aku pun taktau apa kemahuanku
Aku sedang tak punya apa-apa
Jadi kamu sering ada denganku
Aku sudah penat dengan kau, Marah!
Aku butuh diriku sendiri
Aku yang tenang dan tidak marah lagi…
Dulu aku terlalu mencari makna cinta, kini Allah tunjuki aku bahawa cinta itu tak perlu difahami tapi cukuplah dengan berasa cinta. Ya Allah, andai satu waktu nanti aku tidak lagi mendakap dia cukuplah cintaMu yang menjaga dia…
2013 adalah tahun yang sukar bagi saya.
Amir Faris sering demam sehinggakan satu ketika dia dimasukkan ke dalam wad.
Prestasi di tempat kerja juga mengecewakan saya. Pada waktu itu saya rasa tidak mampu memberi komitmen seperti yang team penyelidikan kami harapkan.
Saya menjadi semakin tertekan.
Saya letak jawatan pada bulan April demi menumpukan perhatian kepada Amir Faris yang sering demam selain masa untuk keluarga. Terlalu banyak ‘unsaid things’ between me and him and Him SWT.
Saya dijanjikan pekerjaan berhampiran rumah ibubapa saya. Namun rezeki bukan untuk saya.
Kemudian saya mengandung lagi…
Pada waktu itu saya rasakan terlalu banyak perkara berlaku untuk saya tangani…
It’s written on my face. Keluarga sedar saya tertekan.
Dia juga tertekan.
I am in recovery of 2013 moments. Still recuperating…
I know. I’ve missed 2013.
My last post was on March 2012. I was so occupied between working and second pregnancy and traveling daily from Seremban to KL.
I was safely delivered the second boy on 20th of September 2012, wieghed 3.4kg at 11.44am at Hospital Tuanku Jaafar Seremban. During the confinement, my mother was performing Hajj with my father. Luckily my mother asked someone to take care of me and Amir Faris, the second boy. I would like to say that that time of confinement was a cowboy-type confinement. i could eat everything without having any allergies and the baby didn’t get jaundice. But we were put in SCN Ward for observation from D2 to D6 for he is G6PD Deficient.
Amir Faris now is 1 year and 4 months. Managed to walk confidently by himself last week. 6 strong teeth. Haven’t utter any words except baby babbling words like atattata, mamamam etc. Most of the time he sounds like swallowing his words… Yeap! When I was expecting him, I keep the thoughts and words to myself. But I knew what other people thought i don’t know.
On 30th December 2012, my father in law passed away. He was the man who loved his job and proud of his workplace so much. I remembered during my Master’s I would detour to the gallery which he took care of every time I went to my SV’s office at Chancellory. Most of the time he talked about his work, life, families and off course about his son🙂 which some I would tell to my husband. Towards the time he was very sick, I rarely got the chance to be near him as he was afraid that his sickness will infect Amir Faris who was 2 months then. Deep down I was disheartened. Sad. But I have to be strong for my husband. After his deceased I realized that I should not listen to him. His sickness will never infect his infant grandson. My mother in law told us that during that time, he mumbled in his sleeping as if he was performing Hajj or Umrah. His heart was there. In the Holy Land of Makkah. I’ve never been to his new home as I was with an infant; Amir Faris. Then when Amir Faris was 8 months, I was expecting again. I once told my husband that I would like to go to my father in law new home before my delivery of the 3rd baby but I hadn’t the chance too… Sad.
2013 will be in the next entry. Didn’t expect that this post will be a very sad post. To me.
When there’s too much things happened, we’re really do not have time for ourselves. Or we no longer know what we really want to do in the first place. When we do have time for ourselves, suddenly we just remembered what we really want to do. I feel like remembering the forgotten.
The truth is I really, really need time for myself. Just me. I skip my supplement intake all the time. I feel anxious all the time, worrying the one inside ‘are you doing fine there, love?’ . Milk, thanks hubby as I was almost forgotten that I should drink milk now. I wonder, what’s inside my head now? Things are just random inside there.
I thought I could control everything, or shall I rephrase everything is under my control but hell no!!! May be I was greedy, I thought I could do everything. Or may be I was just whining or complaining over things. I don’t know! I am only 15 weeks pregnant but my feet is swollen like I was about to give birth. May be I am stressed. No, I am stressed.
Rindukan pipi kamu yang melantun2 bila Umi kiss.. 🙂
Officially stop breastfeeding because I’m pregnant. I know, moms still could breastfeed the child even during pregnancy. However, I was advised not to as this will lead to stomach cramps (womb) which will lead to contraction. Sedihnya!
But I believe, the younger ones is strong just like the brother.. Grow well in Umi’s tummy, baby! Will give you the best all of me!
Dah pandai senyum bila pandang kamera… Rindunya Umi pada Fahri.
Dah makin lasak. Dalam kereta tak mahu duduk diam dah.
Well, I might have left this blog for quite sometimes as I didn’t realize that wordpress has changed/ updated the setting and it’s such a quest to post this new entry. Ummm… since I found it, let’s take full advantage of it wisely. My baby’s progress this month:
Weight: 11 kgs Length: 77.5 cm BMI: 18 No. of teeth: 8, another 2 are coming
He’s quite a chatter now and full of action. Adventurous kot. Panjat sana, panjat sini. Running here and there, walking and walking and walking. He’s everywhere in the house.
Earlier this month, we send him to a nursery near home as I have started working, and my SIL’s started her classes. It was a tiring two weeks. I know it’s such a shocked to Fahri being taken care by a total stranger and being among other kids. It’s alien to him. There’s no other way as I make a promise to myself that I will send him to a nursery whenever he reached 1 year old. I have to pulled myself together and drawn my tears back because I want my son to be a strong-willed, independent and courageous person. The first two weeks, I called the Nursery manager regularly just to check how Fahri was doing, whether he’s coping well with the new environment, did he eat well, or did he cry a lot etc etc… He did cry a lot until his voice became hoarse. He eats well too ;) hahaha… We were so worried until up to one point we agreed to seek a babysitter as we know he needs attention. Eventually, things are getting better on the third week. I’m very much relieved with his progress. A very responsive toddler, chatty, active and cheekier. Aiseh! Garang pulak tu..
I travel everyday, KL-Seremban. Tired? Yes but seeing the faces of my loved ones is priceless. Far more important than the 1 million dollar business in the world. Anyway, Seremban-KL bukan la jauh sangat. In one hour dah sampai rumah at normal speed (100-110 km/h). Tapi kalau hujan ke, petang Jumaat ke, sejam lebih jugak la… Pagi-pagi pulak, hari Isnin atau hari pertama working days je kena keluar pukul 6.30. Hari-hari seterusnya boleh keluar pukul7 pagi dan sampai UM on time.
My brother, Dikmat has married. Makin handsome sejak dah kahwin ni. Welcome to the family, Rahiza. Alhamdulillah semuanya selamat dan berjalan lancar. Majlisnya berjalan agak mengikut adat istiadat Negei Sembilan. Saya tak pernah tengok lagi perkara macam ni. Interesting!
My youngest sister Yan has received her UPSR result, 4A 1B which she got B for Science. Tak apa la… Ini baru permulaan. Getting straight A’s isn’t everything. There’s more to come in life. Just strive and do the very best in everything we do. Jangan frust sangat ye Yan. Kami semua sayang Yan macam selalu.
As for my father, Cikgu Idrus, selamat bersara. The time has come. Kalau saya belum kerja lagi, mesti abah akan rajin datang ke rumah nak main dengan cucu. Heheheeh… Tapi boleh la hantar dan ambil Yan dari sekolah nanti🙂
Dah pandai jalan. Steady dah. In fact, dah nak berlari kot.But whenever he walks outside, kena tgk jgk. Jatuh nanti luka pulak anak umi tu. Tapi dia sgt suka berjalan. Kadang2 dia jatuh jgk. Tapi kami terus positif dan encourage him to stand on his feet back so he won’t cry. Whenever we go out, he wil always see at other’s people feet and I would say, ‘see, everybody wears shoes!’. He used to rimas bila pakai kasut. Now he likes it very much…
In terms of speaking… ummm what would I say about that? He knows what word to say when he wants to. Yeap! We cannot simply just say a word and hoping that he will say it after us. NO! He will utter the words when he wants. Always a surprise when we hear he would say such words. Well, I have missed those moments several times. Huhuhuhuh…
Fahri juga dah pandai tiru apa orang buat. Paling cute bila dia tiru kita solat la… pandai angkat takbiratul ihram dan bila kita rukuk dia pun sama turun. Tapi dia bengkokkan lututnya.. owh kami ajar dia salam dan cium tangan. Most parents cakap kat anak ‘amin’ tu salam. Tapi kami ajar dia salam is salam. And amin comes after berdoa. Bila ada orang cakap amin tu salam Fahri confuse kat situ. Jumpa org mesti dia hulur tgn nak bersalam. Tapi paling dia suka tepuk tangan la. Dari umur dia berapa bulan tah sampai le sekarang suka sangat tepuk tangan. Selain tu dah pandai goyang2 badan juga. Hehehe… pantang tgk iklan kegemaran. Mesti nak menari. Tapi bila tgk wirid kat Astro Oasis nasib baik dia tak menari dan duduk diam sahaja.
Gigi baru ada 8 batang. Sejak dia ada gigi byk sikit ni saya bagi dia makan macam apa yang kita makan. Senang betul la… tapi kalau boleh tak nak la ajar dia makan jajan dan gula2. Nanti tak mau makan nasi dan sayur pulak! Hurm…
Kami dah jumpa nursery berdekatan rumah utk hantar Fahri since I’m working dah. Bagus la. Nursery tu tak kisah jika kami bekalkan cloth diaper. YEY!!! Saya rasa saya nak mintak tlg guardian kat sana untuk tidak beri Fahri makan jajan dan gula2 jgk la… rindunya laa saya kat Fahri bila dah mula kerja ni.
Masa hari pertama kerja, saya menangis bila rindu Fahri. Telefon pun tak berani cakap dgn Fahri. Nanti saya nangis. Bila dah hari kedua dan ketiga bila workload has started to pile up, baru tak nangis dah bila telefon Fahri. In the mean time adik ipar saya yang sedang cuti sem tu yang menjaga Fahri. Terima Kasih Maksu Kenit! Hehehe…
Err.. Happy 14 months Fahri! Umi delay pulak blog entry kali ni…